I am scared more than ever that my supposive “low” wasn’t really my lowest. I feel like I can go deeper and lower and even with all the “tools” I have. I feel like I can become better at fooling the people around me and myself. That scares me more than anything. I try as hard as I can to keep myself busy, to keep my mind off the possible things I could be doing. But as I watch people I almost become jealous, not that I can’t do what they are doing. But because I made a choice to not do what everyone else is doing. The more I hear people say “she cant” the more I want to not prove them wrong, but just be ‘normal.’
The deeper I get into my old ways the more I wish I could go back. Not to change the things I did but this way I could learn how to fool everyone around me better.